We can know and not feel…

We can know and not feel; believe and not embody.

I am living my dream AND I have days/moments where I cry, get angry, or just plain question my sanity. ⠀
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Today was one of those days.⠀
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I woke up and deleted a couple things on Instagram because they felt forced rather than authentic; like bandwagon content rather than my heart in the moment (which is what I want to share here). ⠀
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My skin looks like shit because I’m making up for years of being afraid of food and the way it might have made me feel. In stress, I moderate. In ease, I indulge. And my body image affects my mood. ⠀
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Photoshop wouldn’t let me save for a few hours because of a “program error” with no additional details. WordPress is becoming a teensy bit more intuitive, but still tests my patience. Our internet, which we just paid to upgrade, kept going in and out, leading to one error message after another when editing my website. ⠀
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And in the thick of one of these days…when my inner critic fills my head with words of doubt and condescension…I give in to a good cry. ⠀
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“You are such a joke.” “Nobody cares about your stupid writing.” “You left your safe job for something that lights you up but has zero guarantee of viability? No benefits? That was dumb!” “Everyone is secretly laughing at you.” ⠀
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Until my heart gets the memo, my emotions feel at the mercy of these lies. (Lest you think I’ve got the world by the neck every second of every day). ⠀
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At my core, I don’t believe any of them. But I don’t always feel or embody their untruth. And y’all, I’m not looking for affirmation. MY HEART IS TO AFFIRM. That (a) creating and sharing in any capacity is an immensely vulnerable act; and (b) it’ll bring every ounce of doubt, fear, and self-deprecation to the surface. ⠀
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It doesn’t mean you’re on the wrong path. It means you’re doing the work. You’re showing up. (You got that, Cort?)
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Even on my most frustrated…most exposed…most doubtful day, I feel more alive than ever. If you’re on the cusp of change or in the depths of a creative project…you’re not alone. Yes, it’s a new kind of scary, but not nearly as scary as letting your soul die in order to play it safe.