I never considered myself the creative type…

I’ve always been “the brain.” Academics were my forte, with a handful of musical talent and a sprinkling of athletic ability. I neverrrrr considered myself the creative type.⠀

Math and science, I now realize, made me feel safe. They’re black and white (at least in school). My people pleasing desires were easily fulfilled every time I provided the right answer. Outcomes felt guaranteed. Controllable. “Give me a math test and let me prove I’m smart and worthy and capable by answering them all correctly.”⠀

Art doesn’t work that way. AT ALL. And transitioning into my identity as a creator of fictional stories has been one lesson in subjectivity after another. I’ve realized how much of ME I locked away…afraid to reveal anything that might evoke a cold, unfavorable, fearful reaction…afraid of the infinite expanse of grey that exists between black…and white. ⠀

Coming home to myself in this way is both terrifying and effortless. I feel knots of tension slowly melting away. One by one, I’m shedding masks I’ve acquired – ways I’ve hidden myself from others and opted for security over authenticity (of which I had no conscious awareness at the time). And I won’t sugar coat it, there have been TEARS. I don’t mean effortless as in no pain. I mean it takes so much less energy to not perform – even if it takes energy to stop performing…if that makes sense. There’s a wall of anxiety to chisel my way through, and whenever I pierce it, my body goes “ahhhh.”⠀

People ask why it took me so long to expose this side of me…to start writing…to exert myself in relationships. I get that it doesn’t make sense to everyone. And y’all, my only answer is that I didn’t (want to) realize it was happening. I was so purposely deaf to my own heart that I didn’t know how to be FULLY ME. (Because I really do like numbers and science.) I look back now and it’s so easy to tap into my feelings, my intuition…to read the signs pointing me here. But I chose to override them, fearing the grey abyss. ⠀

I’m learning scary doesn’t mean “turn away.” It just means “courage needed.” Discerning the difference has been its own path, and you know me…I write about it as I go.

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